What i've become...

[Sonneilon]

Some of you guys know what i've been thru. The anger has helped me become what I am. Fuck anyone who stands in my or puts me down. I got no use for those who hack on me and whatnot. Am I angry? NOt really but as Capt. Kirk said, "I NEED MY ANGER!" and that is where i stand. I'm tired of grlz who can't give back. I'm tired of people who take and never give. I'm tired of a lot of crap but I know I'm getting ahead. I will make it.

Anyway... Yeah I got anger. I have hatred. But I need that to see what i am. and what i am. i am what i am. people can deal with it or not. for those who can't, they have no empathy and love. And that's the bottom line!






One nation, one nation of Gods
divided by faith, Nation divided by faith

Witness deliberate war of attrition
Witness deliberate war of attrition

Judge me not, judge lest you be judged
Eyes are blind, blinded by violation

I hate your contention
I hate your violation
I hate your corruption
I hate your life destruction
I hate your contention
I hate your violation
I hate your corruption
I hate your life destruction

I am your enemy...

Witness deliberate war of attrition
Kill my mind, my mind is the weapon

Words are banned, words meant to enlighten

I hate your contention
I hate your violation
I hate your corruption
I hate your life destruction
I hate your contention
I hate your violation
I hate your corruption
I hate your life destruction

I am your enemy...
I will resist endlessly...
Endlessly...
Endlessly...
Endlessly...

[bravo]

you know the way your talking, reminds me of this song,

I hate the world today
You're so good to me
I know but I can't change
tried to tell you but you look at me like maybe I'm an angel
underneath
innocent and sweet
Yesterday I cried
You must have been relieved to see the softer side
I can understand how you'd be so confused
I don't envy you
I'm a little bit of everything
all rolled into one

Chorus:
I'm a bitch, I'm a lover
I'm a child, I'm a mother
I'm a sinner, I'm a saint
I do not feel ashamed
I'm your health, I'm your dream
I'm nothing in between
You know you wouldn't want it any other way

So take me as I am
This may mean you'll have to be a stronger man
Rest assured that when I start to make you nervous
and I'm going to extremes
tomorrow I will change
and today won't mean a thing

Chorus

Just when you think you've got me figured out
the season's already changing
I think it's cool you do what you do
and don't try to save me

Chorus

I'm a bitch, I'm a tease
I'm a goddess on my knees
when you hurt, when you suffer
I'm your angel undercover
I've been numbed, I'm revived
can't say I'm not alive
You know I wouldn't want it any other way

i met a lot of people like that, even had a couple of girlfriend that were like that, but no kids,

[lehsreh]

[COLOR=Red]i feel you man. im not where you are now, havent been for about 4 years, but the darkness and anger pulled me down a years ago. i didnt really care for anyone or anything, no cloud have a silver lining, there was no hope or bright light at the end of the tunnel. well, you may not be there yet, lets hope you dont get there. but things started to change. took control of my body, got in shape(the fighting really helped me out a lot with anger and fitness) met a nice girl and to top it all off, they brought G.I. Joe back. i still have my bad moments, but thats when i really turn to joedios, you guys and the other joe related stuff on the net. if your strong enough(and i believe you are) you'll fight through this and come back stronger.

a side note about writing songs and lyrics, i have tons, i mean tons of songs and poems i wrote back then. now however, i cant seem to write anything because for the most part im happy. it sucks that i need to feel bad to write good.[/COLOR]

[Rambo]

[COLOR=DarkSlateBlue] "I believe…whatever doesn't kill you simply makes you…stranger."

Life was so simply when I was kid...[/COLOR]

[troopsofdoom]

There's a scene from the movie Red Dawn where Robert is carving another kill into the stock of his rifle.

Colonel: "All that hate's gonna burn you up kid."
Robert smiles: "It keeps me warm."

[vespapilot79]

Been there done that. Got married at 20 before going to flight school. She was 17..I think of that song form not long ago..shes only seventeen... Shoulda left her ass home while I went to school. She left me for a flight instuctors friend that was a co captain for an airline. Boy did that guy end up getting a handful. He got her knocked up and he made her abort his child. Oh effing well. I gave her everything. I at least got to solo and get a few flight s in before I quit and enlisted into the Air National Guard in Oklahoma. They didnt have the job I wanted, (Crew Chief) so I transferred back to Cali. Got the job I wanted in Fresno. 144thFw. Check em out. They have a great tail marking!! ..I turned into a HUGE manwhore. Had lots of sex and alcohol. Luckily I didnt get crotch rot from anyone(STDs). I didnt want to commit to ANYONE. Luckily several years later (and psychos) I met my current love. I was very fortunate to not have any children thru all of this. You just have to remember to focus on your kids. Make sure they follow your good teachings and dont follow mamas bad habits. They need stability, you are that foundation. Remember, we were young once. Kids arent dumb. They will know when you are unhappy and things are bad. Try not to let them see this. You are better than her. Let her go, I know its hard but you must. Just share the love of collect, sk8ing and music with the kids.!!

[Sonneilon]

Oops. I think this was supposed to be posted on myspace. I can't remember. Some of you guys that I talk to on msn... You know about this gal named Kristine I've been talking with. Monday, I walked away from her because... You'll love this...

She's getting back with her ex-husband. They are divorced and she wants to make things right. THIS is a guy that beats her, controls her (he wont' let her have a job or a car for starters), and has broken her arm in the past. Kristine is Rick's 4th wife and about 20 yrs older. She even went so far as to JUSTIFYING the abuse!

That's what that post is about. The stupidity of people that I let enter my life. But after the messes at Daiso and then some, I learned a lot about myself. Learned a lot after the divorce. I don't regret the divorce because I wouldn't be where Im' at now if I hadn't. It was a learning experience. I just hope I'm not making NEW mistakes! (c'mon, laugh with me on that one! hee hee)

I deleted the whole Emi thing. That was uncalled for and I'm not sure where I was going with that. OTHER than we aren't talking and while I'm being civil to her, it's not returned. A few people know what's up and anyway... I guess I was more irritated by Kristine's thoughts and actions.

[guiltridden]

reminded me of this song:
She was confused and abused in this life
Emotional and violent moments
Seemed to take the longest time
Every single knockout, dragout
Firght they ever had
Apologies and dignity denied to lie with
SUddenly psychotic eyes
Every night she cried herself to sleep
She didn't recognize
Her own face in the mirror
Black and blue, so afraid
Intimidation
Like a child she hides away
He would always try to justify what wasn't true
Justified black eye
Taken for granted, she sleeps by
The phone waiting for a call
>From him, but it seems he's never coming home
14 beers later he is there without an answer
Once again she questions his
Lies, he goes to bed with
No reply
Tomorrow morning, different story
And he'll be a differenty guy
He'll justify her black eye
With another lie
She packs her bags in great temptation
He's on his knees, again he cries
A hug and a kiss and a don't know why
As a tear drops from her swollen eye
Apologies until tonight and another
Justified black eye

[guiltridden]

I'm sorry to hear thinks are so dark for you man hope you can use some of the anger in a positive way.

[Trench-Viper]

You should call whatever woman shelter thats close to her and aske them to contact her then wash your hands off her, if evil guys are what turns her on then let her have one.

[Rambo]

[QUOTE=Sonneilon]I just hope I'm not making NEW mistakes! (c'mon, laugh with me on that one! hee hee) [/QUOTE]

[COLOR=DarkSlateBlue]AH HEE HAH HAH HAH WOO HOO HOO![/COLOR]

[vespapilot79]

Greetas? (The Mexican superhero call)?

[bravo]

[QUOTE=Sonneilon]Oops. I think this was supposed to be posted on myspace. I can't remember. Some of you guys that I talk to on msn... You know about this gal named Kristine I've been talking with. Monday, I walked away from her because... You'll love this...

She's getting back with her ex-husband. They are divorced and she wants to make things right. THIS is a guy that beats her, controls her (he wont' let her have a job or a car for starters), and has broken her arm in the past. Kristine is Rick's 4th wife and about 20 yrs older. She even went so far as to JUSTIFYING the abuse!

[/QUOTE]
:eek: dude please walk away from this shite. i have been down this road before, it kill me, i was with her almost a year, and i right at the end i found out the was sleeping with her ex, he told me, i want back too her at first she denied it then she told me the truth, it killed me , i had to walk away from a lot of things just to get my head back , this guy shes with abused her like there's no tomorrow and she thinks she can fix it i was like what???? i gave her a new life and she blow the whole thing up, it killed me, i was willing to help her raise her son, that was his son which he is a dead beat dad and still is, i cant go any farther with this, dude just walk away and don't look back,,,

[Sonneilon]

Don't worry Bravo. What wasn't said here is that...

Everyone makes their choices. Every action has a reaction. For her to walk the path she is choosing, I can't follow (I can't follow you, Anakin. That's a path I can't take...). For me to remain friends would indicate that I SUPPORT her on such decisions. I can't. Who possibly can? WHY would they? But the anger comes from a lot of things. I do know how to deal with the anger. I dont' go shooting people, picking fights, doing drugs... But I will beat around on my guitar, go skating or vent to those of you who have MSN. Anyway, I know we've all been there. I know some people get scared when they feel this way. But hey, we are who we are. Maybe I'll find a good gal some day.

Morelock, where you at??? ;)

[Lowjacked]

WOW!!! I'm sorry to hear about your strife Sonn, but I am glad to see a community of people who have a common interest put enough trust in other people to let them into there personal lives. What is even better, is the support that is given to one another. Sometimes in this world I think people forget what it means just to be nice to each other. I'm really glad I am a part of this community.

Specifically to you Sonn, I say this. Sometimes a bad thing must happen in order to make room for a better thing to come along. Sometimes a bad thing must happen to keep a worse thing from coming along. Sometimes bad sh*t just happens, but regardless you do posses the strength to move on. The saying "The best revenge you can have on someone is to live your life, and live it well", it's true.

[Sonneilon]

Wow Lowjacked. Thank you. That is so... Your last words, awesome.

My parents tried to teach me that to keep on moving ahead, that's how you win against stuff like this that I've dealt with. To show them that I can make it. Most of you know I'm 33. Or early 30s. I'll be 34 in less than 20 days. I'm at a tech school to get a career. To make a living. I'm bettering myself and for a few very few people, it makes them... Uncomfortable.

Thank you to everyone who cared or bothered to deal with this post. I honestly had forgotten I had done it. I don't even remember the convo I had with a gal last nite. *shrug* Uhmmmmm, anyway... these are the lyrics that often come to my mind more so than Fear Factory's...

"Resurrection" Chimaira

free at last
finally tasting happiness
five years of hell for nothing
trapped inside the minds of failures

i wise man once said
that which does not kill us makes us stronger
but we were dead
so are we now invincible

determination, perseverance, resolution, resurrection

final straw
underlining ignorance
consumed by greed and hate
...cant make this out

reality can't tear
something, something.. just to start all over
treated like shit
pushed aside and expect to ...something, something

we have become so god damn powerful

all the beatings you gave us, we will use them against you

free at last
finally tasting happiness
the resurrection

[ender098]

Graham, Dude, Like these guys are tellin ya, walk away and pay no heed. You don't know how many times I've been dumped by girls who use the other "f" word (Friend) only to watch them shack up with some guy who beats them and treats them like crap! One girl I knew did just that. She has 4 kids by this bum, lives in a trailer without heat, gets welfare and has about 1/2 her teeth knocked out. The Bum she was married to lives with some other chick, comes over when the welfare check comes and beats it out of her. He gets part time jobs everytime he needs enough cash to fix up his bike, but like her, has no future. And she STILL thinks he loves her!

And man, that's just ONE girl I dated....I love going home on leave and seeing these chicks I dated married to bums and the farthest they have gotten from that bum-F**K town is Rochester or Buffalo. I've been all over the world. Seen crap that will NEVER see. I've got a nice car, two smart, kind and good kids, a beautiful wife who loves me....man, it don't get any better. Like LowJacked said...the best revenge is to live your life! :rolleyes:

[Rambo]

[QUOTE=Sonneilon]...To show them that I can make it. [/QUOTE]

You dont need to show anybody else but you that you can make it. Improve yourself for yourself. The ones who care about will notice it. No pain no gain.

[Lowjacked]

I can relate to so many of you or have had similar experiences, and like Ender says it gets better as long as you keep moving forward.

I'm 2 months shy of Thirty and was medically discharged from the Navy about 5 years ago. I had a severe skin condition they couldn't treat so they released me with 30% disability. It wasn't even enough to cover the rent. I moved my family back to Florida and we went from doing okay to poor. In the Navy I was a Data Systems Technician with a solid understanding of electronic theory, but few jobs were available. I got a crappy job at a 7-11 temporarily until I got my GI Bill situation straight.

Every night I went to work it was sad for me because I tried so hard and felt as if I failed. At times I sat in my bathroom crying because I didn't know how I was going to feed my family and the stress of it was causing a wedge in my marriage.

Some months later My wife found work and I started school. My GI bill and Pell grant money allowed me to quit my crappy job and we were doing okay once more. When things seemed to be looking up I had got a the flu and tried to shake it off for two weeks with no sign of relief. I walked into my doctors appointment with a 3.5 hemoglobin count. A normal hemoglobin count is 14, anything below 8 they recommend hospitilization. By all rights, I should've been dead, and there were times I had wished I was.

I would soon find out it was cancer. Again I cried. My dad went back for my mom, my wife was at work and I laid there thinking. . . I cleared my mind and something inside me snapped. I made up my mind not to quit and that got me through the long road ahead.

I spent three months in the hospital for radiation therapy and sent the cancer into remission. It was during my time of recooperation I rediscovered Joe-collecting and Comic Books. I had to occupy my mind and time because I spent 6 months recooping at home until I was mediccally cleared to go back to school.

I first went to a technical school and am now at the community college. I bought a brand new home over a year ago and all 3 of my kids are honor roll students. My wife is also in school and everyday we strive for better.

The lesson is: a sanctioned boxing fight ends in 12 rounds, a street fight doesn't end until someone doesn't get up. Life is a street fight, it knocked me down twice, but I got up. ;)

[Sonneilon]

Thank you for sharing that story. Life has it's ups and downs, eh?

Just to note, I wasn't hurt by the stuff going on. It was just angry because of the actions people take. Sometimes, we do what we gotta do to get by (work at 7-11), but to go to something that you KNOW is bad and will repeat over and over... I can walk away from it. The problem is, I keep on running into people with these malfunctions. EVEN if I don't know about them beforehand, I just gravitate toward 'em.

[ender098]

Graham, all ya can do is keep your own life straight. You can't change other people. You either have to love them or let them go. A Girl and I once liked each other, but we both wanted the other to change to suit what we wanted. But if we had done that, neither of us could be ourselves. We only saw in the other what we WANTED that person to be, not WHAT they were. You can't change a person's nature.

[Bayer]

[QUOTE=Sonneilon]The problem is, I keep on running into people with these malfunctions. EVEN if I don't know about them beforehand, I just gravitate toward 'em.[/QUOTE]

Sonn,
There is a fact that I always remember when my own life seems to come up a steamy pile of shite, and I keep bumping into the same kind of individuals who seem to make my life a wonder hole...I'm a magnet for freaks. Look around you...if you can't pick out the freak magnet, guess what!

As far as anger...we all have that point where the incredible stupidity that humanity is capable of comes to boil our Cheerios. Perspective is the only thing that keeps most of us from climbing the clock tower and dispensing some high velocity cleansing.

Just keep the faith (whatever faith you have) and don't let them wear you down.

[Mobius_1]

Powerful stuff's been said, I'm just here ta tell my story.

It was 6th grade when it hit the fan. i was gullible, naive, and shy. add aspergers syndrome, and i was the guy flying an ultralight in a dogfight between MiGs. i nearly went insane. took me atleast 2 years to fully regain my former self. ran into another bunch of hudlums. this time i was prepared. they would brag about all the stuff they do when out of school, and id smile to my self thinking how i was succeeding and they were sleeping all day. now i am pursuing training in CADD so i can further my pursuit of aeronautical engineer. and i did get eagle scout. :)

now sonn, i know that whoever employs you next will be eager ta hire an eagle scout.

and about the girl thing, yes. they are everywhere. there were a few of them in the program i was at not to long ago. my buddy there said it best. "They have to love themselves before ever loving anyone else." and when i asked why they go for the violent guys in a group discussion, i never got an answer. it still baffles me as to why they go fer the jerks instead of the nice guys.(and by nice i dont mean submissive and dumb as dirt)


i guess having my "crisis" early on just made me grow up faster. kids my age and adults cunfuse the heck outta my with their social "walk arounds" and over complications.

well ive ranted too much.

[Sonneilon]

Mobius, good to see you around.

I know I've asked here and on the JBL as well as friends, "Just what is it with women who go back to their POS guys and/or STAY with them?" It's like, they know the situation sucks, but they can't make that step to do what is right. Sure, we all have our faults, but man... I was just angry with her because Kristine KNOWS the guy is gonna beat her again and what not. If not physically, then mentally.

Everyone I talked to about these generalized issues have said :

1) the gal is afraid of loss
2) the gal is afraid to be alone
3) the challenge IS to change the guy
4) they're dumb/damaged/mental, etc
5) low self-esteem
6) they learn to think that the abuse is NORMAL
7) they feel loved and abuse is love (got me on that one)



It's a good thing I never put that much emotional value into this one. I honestly felt RELIEVED when things blew over. Cuz the week before the blowout, I was having these sort of thoughts.

-What if our parenting styles don't mesh
-What if the kids don't get along
-Just how the frak do i get them up here. find them a place to live, where will she work etc.
-what if WE don't mesh in the end (which we obviously don't!)

[Trench-Viper]

Well I might be just talking out of my ass but I think that women who constantly gets together with evil guys loves evil because they want to be evil themselves but they dont dare too because they are weak. So they spend their life sucking up to scum in the hope that they will be on the same "team".

[ender098]

Graham, I think one point you failed to make is women tend to treat men as they do kids "He's a bad little boy now, but I can mold him into a good man". What they fail to realize is, you can't change someone's nature. Women, like men hate to fail at their basic nature which is to rear young, and if they can't fix a wayward child, what does that say about their skills as a nurturing figure?

Honestly, I can't say EXACTLY why women do it. Some Men do it to, hang with women who drag them down. It's the nature of the universe I guess. The easiest thing is to quit worrying about why it happens and move on! ;)

[Urban Saboteur]

I gotta say you got alot of support here G-man. Which is great, the one thing that I see from this point is that you keep attracting people with ''messed up lives'' you know why their lives are messed up right?

I know quite alot of people locally, and alot of them have messed up lives, just as Frank refers to in his post, when he returns home he see's ex-girlfriends or girls he dated with bad situations, alot of them refuse to accept the consequences of the paths they chosen many years ago.

You can only advise you can't push or enforce the change, when you meet these girls in the future just remember that you can't save them all, and even though they all aren't aware of the consequences of their actions, we can see and hear about geniune life evidence with the post from Bravo... of the girl he dated/got involved with for 1 year. He got himself in the middle and despite having a better life and happier future to provide for her and her son she still chose the wrong path... she'll only know its the wrong path in the future.. but Bravo done the smart thing and got out.

Locally I know this husband and wife who beat each other senseless, and their kids are all grown up now in their 20s and they think the answer to every problem is to resort to violence... theres this saying.. it goes like this...
"Shit breeds shit'' if you have parents that don't love or care.. and have no regard for the law.. your gonna end up with a messed up scenario.. the police were always constantly round at their house, eventually the parents got kicked out of the rented house by the local authority... somehting to do with a public order notice or something. After so many call outs by the authorities they get moved to another area.

You've always struck me as a level headed person, someone who takes pride in his projects and someone who is quite logical with problems, so like everyone says, you can only be responsible for the paths you choose in your own life, at some stage you'll be due a good person, hey out of all those chosen one of them will be a keeper, and they'll realise all those good qualities that shine in you as a person and stick with you. I know its frustrating not being able to help others but sometimes you have to let them go and make those mistakes on their own.

Me personally, I see myself very much as someone who respects others and accepts the consequences of my own actions, I actually learnt this from the GTA Videogame... I know how messed up is that?
In this one scene Tommy V spots his partner in crime by the bar... theres been a problem with the racketeering scheme they setup and lance says ''I'm sorting it'' in quick retaliation Tommy snaps ''how? by drinking by the bar, you call this sorting it?'' scroll on a few missions later, Lance calls you up and snaps
"I dont like you talking me down in front of the others'' in response... Tommy states "Hey Lance, You screwed up, if I screw up you can bust my A$$ for it in front of them, dont screw up and we wont have this problem"
The motto of this to be learnt is that far too many people aren't willing to accept the consequences of their actions or the paths they've chosen.. some of them are living life blind and simply dont see them until its too late.

more recently i've had alot of trouble accepting some things in life, corruption and greed being two of them. I hate that I can't change some of the laws in my own country, I hate that every couple of years we elect someone different into power that changes very little and I hate that certain criminals are left to walk the streets and harm good people... I hate that paedophiles and rapists roam my local area and I can't do anything about it... what can I do about those things? Nothing.. not at the moment... all I can be is a good citizen and be my own person, make sure my friends and family are well looked after and do the best I can. I have alot of hatred for things in my life I cant control... some of which i haven't even listed here.. thats only the tip of the iceberg... we all deal with things in a different way I guess it goes without sayin though, if you ever do need to let some heat out you have my msn address.

Rich

[Outrider]

G, there is nothing wrong with feeling anger. It's part of being human, and the only way to overcome the anger is to work through it and deal with it. All you need to do is be true to your self, rise above other people's pettiness and vindictiveness, and live your life how you want to. Each and everyone of us is responsible for our own actions, there is nothing we can do about how other people choose to behave. it's like the old saying:
"Give me the courage to change what I can,
and the strength to endure what I can't,
and the wisdom to know the difference."
None of us are perfect, we all make mistakes. It's how we deal with them that defines who we are. I know you're strong enough to come through all this a better man.

[Sonneilon]

Whoa... This is an old post. Since then, I've gone thru how many OTHER problems?

I am doing well tho. Several friends all around wonder just how I can stand being alone. I mean, I'm not even LOOKING for a gal, y'know? I got my Thomas, I got friends, I got my hobbies... But over the last few months, things have changed again. (lol)

Like, I've changed my diet again. Some of you may have known I was on the Blood Type Diet. I'm a B so I was eating about 90% accordingly to the diet. As of early August, I changed to a non-gluten, sugar-free, alcohol-free diet to help my psoriasis (which I lovingly refer to as GeoStigma tho most people don't get it...). The hardest part is the alcohol and with all the other meds (natural, organic meds at that), it seems to be slowly be working.

School's back on again. THings are going ok there. Summer classes were hell. But hey...

I gave up on FFXI Online late spring/early summer and that helped a lot. Addiction? Hard to say. I just got tired of the way people treat each other. Some say, "it's just a game" but let's face it, they punk you on the game or treat you like crap, I figure they would in real life too.

Anyway... go back to compiling your nominating fotos for the 1st Annual JD Awards Show! :D

[Death_at_Midnight]

That is why I collect Joes.

[Beast from the east]

This post WAS a year old.

Good to see you doing better G Man.Its been a long year but you are better for it.

Thread closed!

[Rambo]

[QUOTE=Death_at_Midnight]That is why I collect Joes.[/QUOTE]

Good call!!!

[Dreadnok Dread]

Anger is a gift, and a tool. it just depends which way you want to point that tool.

[Sonneilon]

That's why I play Primus/Metallica/Maiden on my bass! lol